now got people start asking me wtf is my problem ar, i really dno what is my problem leh.
people tell me i got pms.
people tell me to stop being sarcastic.
people tell me to at least sound sincere.
people tell me to shut up.
people tell me to show respect.
people tell me to be responsible.
people tell me to do my job well.
people who seem to have a great sense of humour suddenly seem touchy and can't take small jokes and are more concerned about what's on their fb wall and don't give a fuck about the other person's feelings.
everything was ok before. why is everything so wrong now?
it's really either the world's gone crazy or i've gone crazy.
and since the world can't go crazy all at once - just within a few weeks - then i'm the one who's gone crazy. who's become annoying and unreasonable and just screwing up all the time.
wtf. this goes on and they'll start telling me to shut up and screw off.
they say when the world gives you problems, the problems are always with yourself.
k so that brings me to the original question. what is my problem ah?
if i dno whats my problem how am i gonna change?
and there i am trying to change again. not here. everyone else is here. the rest of the world is here. im there. and everyone's trying to tell me what a pain in the ass i am, asking me wtf is my problem. shit, i hate this.
i'll always hate this. even if somehow i manage to get over it, get from there to here, change, problem solved, i would always. hate it. hate this feeling. of being a bother. who cant be reasoned with, who cant even do shit. always. because it makes me feel that the world would be better off without me. but i don't want to feel that, because God says its wrong to take your own life, the life God gave to you. And God's word is absoleute. And that bothers me cuz im not religious. At all.
Every time i cause a problem, screw up somehow - morally, socially - i try to lighten the blame on myself. And then it makes me feel screwedup cuz its like pushing the blame to someone else. At least, when i try to reason with my parents, that's what they always say. There you go again, they say. Making excuses. Pushing the blame to other people. when it's your fault. So next time something goes wrong, i'm the one at fault. and every time after that, and everytime before that. from the time i've been in my mama's womb, every thing that's gone wrong is my fault. yeah i should just think that. so i won't even bother to explain. sorry, its my fault. please, i take full responsibility. No, i cannot assure you that this will not happen again. Don't forgive me yet cuz i don't know when's the next time i screw up. hmm, yeah, sounds right. best.
in the past, when i screw up somehow, fumble, embarass myself, annoy people when i didn't mean to, i console myself by saying, well, this kind of thing happens to everyone once in a while!
but now im not so sure.
