now got people start asking me wtf is my problem ar, i really dno what is my problem leh.
people tell me i got pms.
people tell me to stop being sarcastic.
people tell me to at least sound sincere.
people tell me to shut up.
people tell me to show respect.
people tell me to be responsible.
people tell me to do my job well.
people who seem to have a great sense of humour suddenly seem touchy and can't take small jokes and are more concerned about what's on their fb wall and don't give a fuck about the other person's feelings.

everything was ok before. why is everything so wrong now?
it's really either the world's gone crazy or i've gone crazy.
and since the world can't go crazy all at once - just within a few weeks - then i'm the one who's gone crazy. who's become annoying and unreasonable and just screwing up all the time.

wtf. this goes on and they'll start telling me to shut up and screw off.

they say when the world gives you problems, the problems are always with yourself.
k so that brings me to the original question. what is my problem ah?
if i dno whats my problem how am i gonna change?
and there i am trying to change again. not here. everyone else is here. the rest of the world is here. im there. and everyone's trying to tell me what a pain in the ass i am, asking me wtf is my problem. shit, i hate this.

i'll always hate this. even if somehow i manage to get over it, get from there to here, change, problem solved, i would always. hate it. hate this feeling. of being a bother. who cant be reasoned with, who cant even do shit. always. because it makes me feel that the world would be better off without me. but i don't want to feel that, because God says its wrong to take your own life, the life God gave to you. And God's word is absoleute. And that bothers me cuz im not religious. At all.

Every time i cause a problem, screw up somehow - morally, socially - i try to lighten the blame on myself. And then it makes me feel screwedup cuz its like pushing the blame to someone else. At least, when i try to reason with my parents, that's what they always say. There you go again, they say. Making excuses. Pushing the blame to other people. when it's your fault. So next time something goes wrong, i'm the one at fault. and every time after that, and everytime before that. from the time i've been in my mama's womb, every thing that's gone wrong is my fault. yeah i should just think that. so i won't even bother to explain. sorry, its my fault. please, i take full responsibility. No, i cannot assure you that this will not happen again. Don't forgive me yet cuz i don't know when's the next time i screw up. hmm, yeah, sounds right. best.

in the past, when i screw up somehow, fumble, embarass myself, annoy people when i didn't mean to, i console myself by saying, well, this kind of thing happens to everyone once in a while!

but now im not so sure.

why i love music.

50% technique.
50% expression.
100% passion.

99% perspiration.
1% inspiration.
100% blood, sweat and tears.

- sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it.

Sometimes you lend me strength. You sharpen my focus, intensify my will to surmount a seemingly arduous task. You send my heart racing, send my blood raging, send adrenaline surging through my veins.

Sometimes you lend me your shoulder, so that I could lean on you. You calm my raging heart in the turbulent times of my adolescence. You make me want to stop, to forget the rat race and smell the lilies on the field. You take me into your warm embrace and soothe me, comfort me, caress me and the rest of the world falls away and it's just me, surrounded by you. I could forget my problems, I could forget everyone, I could forget the world. And it would be just you, only you.

You bring back memories. Happy ones, sad ones. Painful ones. Embarassing ones, that chill me to the bone. You make me lose the edges of myself, of the present. You take me away, take me from the world, and I waste in thought, lost in memory. With you flowing around me. I reminisce. I review my life, with you all around me.

Sometimes you fill me with frustration, with bitter disappointment. You make me want to hate myself, and you make me want to kick myself. You make me lose belief in myself. You make me want to give it all up, never mind, and you make me feel that no matter how much I put in I'm just bringing myself down, screwing up over and over again, and bringing my friends, and the people around me, and the rest of the world, down with me.

All the time, you make me want to go back to you again.

You know me. Nobody else really understands. It's you, just you, only you. You see me, and you see right through me. Nobody else can. I do like them, very much. But sometimes, they just don't get it, they don't see me, and I'm screaming silently so they can't hear me, and I'm not alone but I am alone - but you, only you get it. You understand. You see me, you see right through me. With you, I don't feel so alone.

You were there, when no one else was.
Thanks for being in my life music. You (Y). I love you.

2 more papers.

mcq! < 3

it's the third day of o levels and i am feeling all screwed up.

seriously speaking, i want to give up already. i don't even feel the remotest sense of wanting to study.

i faced the o levels on the 25th of october, glowing, full of hope, bursting with optimism.

and barely two days later, i am sulking, glowering at my notes, at my computer.
i listen to j-rock songs, and they make me feel better.
the surge of adrenaline that i feel during the papers is different.
that feeling of being paranoid.

but now i think.

calm.

composed.

i think air.

wind. moving air.

wind blows from a region of higher pressure to that of a lower pressure.

yes. wind. breeze through the exams, like wind.
and then kill yourself.


all the way.