what does it feel like?


you are in heaven, it is nice and peaceful here. this is bliss. it is bright, the sky is a beautiful stretch of azure and it is pleasantly warm. Clouds drift lazily in the expanse of blue sky you are at the top, the golden age, the best years of your life. you are happy. the special people who remain close to your heart are happy. you hear the orchestra, the piano, the choir; and it is music. beautiful music. emanates from all around you. with so much passion and vibrancy. with love. with happiness. you feel light. you rise. you are afloat. you are aloft. you are flying, and the feeling is wonderful.

and suddenly

you are

falling

down


the ground yawns open lazily like the maw of an unfathomable beast that swallows you whole and



you watch, helpless, in mid-air as the clouds scatter; the sky rips open, and you see everything you have worked for, you have lived for, everything you loved, and they are crumbling, slowly but inexorably; they continue to crumble and suddenly they shatter. they break and they fall, in pieces, crashing all around your ears. your blood is thundering in your brain, you want everything to stop, pleasestopthisnomakeitgobackwhyisthishappening but nobody can hear you, everything is in pieces and falling, somebody is banging William Tell Overture on the keyboard but it transcends into something nightmarish, loud and ugly, and the choir's voices rise like the chorus of a million demented angels and the whole orchestra have gone insane, they are hitting their instruments, they are destroying them, everything is falling apart, there is a lot of noise, it is no longer beautiful - the sky, there is no longer a sky, but a vast, black space, an abyss, there is nothing there, it is empty, and dark, and it stretches forever. it is unbelievably fucking cold here, you are shivering, you want everything to stop, you call for help but there is no answer, nothing but the banging and thundering of the piano, the anguished voices of the deranged choir screaming and everything around you is falling, still falling, for ever falling; they are in pieces. everything you lived for, everything you loved.


falling


in pieces




and suddenly



the noise stops abruptly, and silence is upon you, deafening silence pressing on your ears, it is oppressive, no more noise, no more crashing, no more banging, no more screaming -

and suddenly you are screaming, you are in pain, you are in sheer agony, there is a thick sticky fluid filling your lungs and you can't breathe, you are choking, you are screaming in pain, but no sound comes out from your mouth. and pain erupts in your brain, it is intense and pounding. your heart throbs painfully - and suddenly you are alight, you are burning, you are aflame, and your chest rips open without warning, and your heart is no longer the myogenic muscular organ you know it is, but it is paper, it is burning, it fades into ashes. you are screaming, you feel everything dissolve and disappear, it is just you, you alone, you by yourself, you and nobody else, and there is nothing at all, and you can't go back, nothing changes, and you can't believe that everything is broken, everything is in pieces, everything is destroyed, and you can't do a single fucking thing to change it, because you are falling, still falling, falling for ever more. there is no love, no happiness, no hope, nothing -



the pain, the anguish, the emptiness. it suffocates you. your soul. forever.






you despair.

thanks kenneth for uploading on fb.

To His Coy Mistress

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, Lady, were no crime
We would sit down and think which way
To walk and pass our long love's day.
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find: I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood,
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow;
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, Lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song: then worms shall try
That long preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And now, like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour
Than languish in his slow-chapt power.
Let us roll all our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one ball,
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Through the iron gates of life:
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

-Andrew Marvell

my little fantasy.

Night has fallen.

We are in my room. It is messy. Books are stacked higgedly-piggedly on a table. Loose sheets of paper are strewn haphazardly on the floor.

She looks into my eyes, and I into hers. I fix my gaze in her eyes, and stretch. I reach for the lock on the door. I grasp it and turn. A resonating click interrupts the silence between us. I relax and take her hands. She continues to gaze into my eyes.

We are very close to each other now. She moves up the last half inch so that our lips could touch.

We kiss. Warm and pleasant. I hold her; one hand runs through her soft, sweet-smelling hair.

We fall onto the bed. I am holding her head, touching her, feeling her, kissing her. I feel myself burn with passion for her. Adrenaline surges through my veins and blood thunders in my brain. She feels so solid, so real. I want to hold her close, and never let go.

We begin to strip off each others' clothing. Very soon, we are under the covers and naked. I am above her now. I feel the muscles in my arms tense as I hold myself above her. I nose her breasts and lick her nipples. I bite her lip briefly, and brush my cheek against hers.

"Eat me up." I breathe onto the curve of her ear. I lower myself slowly towards her; I want to make this last.

A thought, rising and quivering like a bubble, finds its way into my mind - I shouldn't be doing this to her -

But I do not hesistate.

I slide firmly and steadily into her. I feel a rush of exhilaration; I push deeper. I am in rhythmic motion: push and pull, push and pull. I feel her smooth, firm skin heat up and flush with colour. She is gasping; I feel her breathing hard. I feel her heart race. My own heart banging madly against my ribcage, I pause and kiss her shoulder. "Does it hurt?" I whisper. I push myself up and place a finger on her clitoris. I move the finger, slowly and deliberately. She gives a soft cry; my finger gives way to wet and empty space.

She takes my hand away and pulls me towards her. "It's wonderful," she breathes back.

"Blow me away," I respond, and we are wrapped together in a tight embrace. We move with insane vigour, and I feel intense pleasure rising in me like lava. I move spontaneously, spurred on by some primal, animalistic drive, and it just feels so good. I could not stop; it just keeps getting better.

The pleasure is peaking, and I can hear her breathing faster and harder. My movement is now rapid, and it just keeps getting better and better and -

Fireworks pop before my eyes, and I feel drained; but immense pleasure floods me like it never did before. I shudder involuntarily and tighten my grasp on her. She wraps her arms tighter around me as liquid leaks out from me and into her. I fall limp onto her. We are both bathed in sweat and panting. I roll over so that she could lie on me.

I wrap my arms around her warm, sweat-streaked body. We lie under the covers, our bodies pressed together. I am exhausted, but I tilt my head upwards and brush my lips against her cheek. "Let's stay like this," I murmur, and drop back onto the bed.

She smiles, nods tacit agreement, and we stay like this for a long time.

i feel like shit right now.

care and share.

so i was wondering what to do with myself after the half day because of teachers' day celebrations.
i went down to the library in town, and ran into wee kiat and jin hong. after being a complete idiot by walking up and down the stairs looking for the nonexistent unoccupied table above ground level, ran into my good friend wesley. he was hunched over a couple of ss notes. we walked up and down the stairs and, when it dawned upon us that there was no table whatsoever that we could study on, we gave up and then i ran into my old friend tze chao. surprise, surprise. we still recognize each other. so i suggested going down to the children section. wesley questioned it. so i was like "ok i pretend to be the kid and you be my dad and you're gonna teach me calculus". we found wee kiat and jin hong and we settled down at the multimedia resource table, having conveniently taken two extra stools from nearby pillars. it was ok because i was doing polynomials, and the trig question that came after that was okay enough. wesley taught me how to use basic angle. thanks wesley. barely a question later we were chased away by a librarian from the table. i thought, nobody's using the computers what, so why can't we use the damn table? no matter, wesley and i moved to one of those tiny tables meant for kids. and we did maths there for about an hour. as time passed, more and more people came down to the children section to mug. LOL. so there was some inspector walking around, holding a clipboard and shooed us away. "the children's section is reserved for parents and children, no self-studying allowed" fuck, the section's about empty anyway, and there's barely any space upstairs to mug so share share la! cannot share ar?

what the hell lor. whatever, next time, du lan them.

i want to be a normal person,
living my normal life,
minding my own normal business.

not mugging my sweaty ass off because of some stupid exam.


actually, normal means having healthy, wonderful sleep, whistling-when-you-work, being a complete nuisance, having hearty meals, blasting music, singing/screaming at the top of your voice, downing drinks one after another, hanging out with friends, complaining loudly about the quirks of life and making a mountain out of a molehill and living like there's no tomorrow. And sex. Don't forget the sex.

not mugging your sweaty ass off because of some stupid exam.