what does it feel like?


you are in heaven, it is nice and peaceful here. this is bliss. it is bright, the sky is a beautiful stretch of azure and it is pleasantly warm. Clouds drift lazily in the expanse of blue sky you are at the top, the golden age, the best years of your life. you are happy. the special people who remain close to your heart are happy. you hear the orchestra, the piano, the choir; and it is music. beautiful music. emanates from all around you. with so much passion and vibrancy. with love. with happiness. you feel light. you rise. you are afloat. you are aloft. you are flying, and the feeling is wonderful.

and suddenly

you are

falling

down


the ground yawns open lazily like the maw of an unfathomable beast that swallows you whole and



you watch, helpless, in mid-air as the clouds scatter; the sky rips open, and you see everything you have worked for, you have lived for, everything you loved, and they are crumbling, slowly but inexorably; they continue to crumble and suddenly they shatter. they break and they fall, in pieces, crashing all around your ears. your blood is thundering in your brain, you want everything to stop, pleasestopthisnomakeitgobackwhyisthishappening but nobody can hear you, everything is in pieces and falling, somebody is banging William Tell Overture on the keyboard but it transcends into something nightmarish, loud and ugly, and the choir's voices rise like the chorus of a million demented angels and the whole orchestra have gone insane, they are hitting their instruments, they are destroying them, everything is falling apart, there is a lot of noise, it is no longer beautiful - the sky, there is no longer a sky, but a vast, black space, an abyss, there is nothing there, it is empty, and dark, and it stretches forever. it is unbelievably fucking cold here, you are shivering, you want everything to stop, you call for help but there is no answer, nothing but the banging and thundering of the piano, the anguished voices of the deranged choir screaming and everything around you is falling, still falling, for ever falling; they are in pieces. everything you lived for, everything you loved.


falling


in pieces




and suddenly



the noise stops abruptly, and silence is upon you, deafening silence pressing on your ears, it is oppressive, no more noise, no more crashing, no more banging, no more screaming -

and suddenly you are screaming, you are in pain, you are in sheer agony, there is a thick sticky fluid filling your lungs and you can't breathe, you are choking, you are screaming in pain, but no sound comes out from your mouth. and pain erupts in your brain, it is intense and pounding. your heart throbs painfully - and suddenly you are alight, you are burning, you are aflame, and your chest rips open without warning, and your heart is no longer the myogenic muscular organ you know it is, but it is paper, it is burning, it fades into ashes. you are screaming, you feel everything dissolve and disappear, it is just you, you alone, you by yourself, you and nobody else, and there is nothing at all, and you can't go back, nothing changes, and you can't believe that everything is broken, everything is in pieces, everything is destroyed, and you can't do a single fucking thing to change it, because you are falling, still falling, falling for ever more. there is no love, no happiness, no hope, nothing -



the pain, the anguish, the emptiness. it suffocates you. your soul. forever.






you despair.