She stood away from me, tense, unpliant. Something was wrong. It did not feel right.
I attempted to put my hands on her arms. "Heart of my heart. Speak to me."
She threw my arms off and pushed me away from her. I felt sweat gathering around the edges of my ears. I felt uneasy, the way that I have never felt before around her. Keep calm, I told myself. Relax. Keep calm. Stay calm. Nothing is happening. Stay calm. Stay calm. "What's wrong?" I asked.
I looked at her, bathed in the dim glow of the street light. She was incandescent. I wondered what she was thinking, at this point. I thought about the adoration I bore for this luminescent creature before me, the burning desire to touch her, to hold her in my arms every time I see her. Here, now, it felt different. It was different. She fixed her gaze on me, and I felt like I was shrinking, cowering under her gaze, while she was growing bigger, ever more intimidating.
"Ernest. We should stop this." She was no longer looking at me.
All of a sudden, I felt cold. "What are you saying?"
She regarded me for a moment, her eyes bright, her lips taut at their corners. I found myself shivering involuntarily. I felt my heart palpitating faster, my breath coming out in shaky gasps. Fighting to keep my voice steady, I repeated, "What are you saying?" My words trembled, as if they were in their own earthquake.
"The two of us. It's not working out." She averted her gaze and shook her head once more. "It's just not happening." Her lips pressed together, she murmured, "It has to stop. Right now."
I felt as if something deep within me was falling, spiralling down into black nothingness. My throat was tight. I did not move, did not make a sound. A thousand demons were screaming in my ears. When she saw that I did not respond, she turned and walked away. I watched her leave, drifting further and further away from me. I watched as her shadow was swallowed by the bleak darkness of the night.
I stood in the spot, bathed in the dim glow of the street light, by myself.
Alone.
I closed my eyes and thought back.
I remembered everything we had together.
I remembered the warmth of her body I felt as she held me tight around my waist; her low voice in my ear; her gentle, tickling breath on my neck, all the homey pleasures that somehow made me feel complete.
I remembered the lingering, warm and pleasant kiss that we shared; and I wondered why. I wondered why she left me, dropped me like a rock.
I sat down. My bottom hurt, but I did not care, because I felt as if I was about to fall into pieces.
I needed her. I needed her arms around me, her caressing touch, her soft, tender piano fingers; I needed her silent support, I needed her to console me, like she always did when I was down. I want us to be together, when I was alone, to mumble sweet nothings into each others' necks.
Later, I would hold a heart, roughly cut out from paper, to a burning match. I would watch it glow, blacken and fade, curl into ashes. I would imagine my own heart do the same - blacken, fade and curl into ashes.
I would then fall into bed, and I would lie still, unmoving.
My eyes would burn with tears, because I still would not understand why.
I never would understand why she left me like this.
Alone, and lovelorn.
