now got people start asking me wtf is my problem ar, i really dno what is my problem leh.
people tell me i got pms.
people tell me to stop being sarcastic.
people tell me to at least sound sincere.
people tell me to shut up.
people tell me to show respect.
people tell me to be responsible.
people tell me to do my job well.
people who seem to have a great sense of humour suddenly seem touchy and can't take small jokes and are more concerned about what's on their fb wall and don't give a fuck about the other person's feelings.

everything was ok before. why is everything so wrong now?
it's really either the world's gone crazy or i've gone crazy.
and since the world can't go crazy all at once - just within a few weeks - then i'm the one who's gone crazy. who's become annoying and unreasonable and just screwing up all the time.

wtf. this goes on and they'll start telling me to shut up and screw off.

they say when the world gives you problems, the problems are always with yourself.
k so that brings me to the original question. what is my problem ah?
if i dno whats my problem how am i gonna change?
and there i am trying to change again. not here. everyone else is here. the rest of the world is here. im there. and everyone's trying to tell me what a pain in the ass i am, asking me wtf is my problem. shit, i hate this.

i'll always hate this. even if somehow i manage to get over it, get from there to here, change, problem solved, i would always. hate it. hate this feeling. of being a bother. who cant be reasoned with, who cant even do shit. always. because it makes me feel that the world would be better off without me. but i don't want to feel that, because God says its wrong to take your own life, the life God gave to you. And God's word is absoleute. And that bothers me cuz im not religious. At all.

Every time i cause a problem, screw up somehow - morally, socially - i try to lighten the blame on myself. And then it makes me feel screwedup cuz its like pushing the blame to someone else. At least, when i try to reason with my parents, that's what they always say. There you go again, they say. Making excuses. Pushing the blame to other people. when it's your fault. So next time something goes wrong, i'm the one at fault. and every time after that, and everytime before that. from the time i've been in my mama's womb, every thing that's gone wrong is my fault. yeah i should just think that. so i won't even bother to explain. sorry, its my fault. please, i take full responsibility. No, i cannot assure you that this will not happen again. Don't forgive me yet cuz i don't know when's the next time i screw up. hmm, yeah, sounds right. best.

in the past, when i screw up somehow, fumble, embarass myself, annoy people when i didn't mean to, i console myself by saying, well, this kind of thing happens to everyone once in a while!

but now im not so sure.

why i love music.

50% technique.
50% expression.
100% passion.

99% perspiration.
1% inspiration.
100% blood, sweat and tears.

- sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it.

Sometimes you lend me strength. You sharpen my focus, intensify my will to surmount a seemingly arduous task. You send my heart racing, send my blood raging, send adrenaline surging through my veins.

Sometimes you lend me your shoulder, so that I could lean on you. You calm my raging heart in the turbulent times of my adolescence. You make me want to stop, to forget the rat race and smell the lilies on the field. You take me into your warm embrace and soothe me, comfort me, caress me and the rest of the world falls away and it's just me, surrounded by you. I could forget my problems, I could forget everyone, I could forget the world. And it would be just you, only you.

You bring back memories. Happy ones, sad ones. Painful ones. Embarassing ones, that chill me to the bone. You make me lose the edges of myself, of the present. You take me away, take me from the world, and I waste in thought, lost in memory. With you flowing around me. I reminisce. I review my life, with you all around me.

Sometimes you fill me with frustration, with bitter disappointment. You make me want to hate myself, and you make me want to kick myself. You make me lose belief in myself. You make me want to give it all up, never mind, and you make me feel that no matter how much I put in I'm just bringing myself down, screwing up over and over again, and bringing my friends, and the people around me, and the rest of the world, down with me.

All the time, you make me want to go back to you again.

You know me. Nobody else really understands. It's you, just you, only you. You see me, and you see right through me. Nobody else can. I do like them, very much. But sometimes, they just don't get it, they don't see me, and I'm screaming silently so they can't hear me, and I'm not alone but I am alone - but you, only you get it. You understand. You see me, you see right through me. With you, I don't feel so alone.

You were there, when no one else was.
Thanks for being in my life music. You (Y). I love you.

2 more papers.

mcq! < 3

it's the third day of o levels and i am feeling all screwed up.

seriously speaking, i want to give up already. i don't even feel the remotest sense of wanting to study.

i faced the o levels on the 25th of october, glowing, full of hope, bursting with optimism.

and barely two days later, i am sulking, glowering at my notes, at my computer.
i listen to j-rock songs, and they make me feel better.
the surge of adrenaline that i feel during the papers is different.
that feeling of being paranoid.

but now i think.

calm.

composed.

i think air.

wind. moving air.

wind blows from a region of higher pressure to that of a lower pressure.

yes. wind. breeze through the exams, like wind.
and then kill yourself.


all the way.

she remembers my birthday!

1st o lvl paper tmrw!

whatever(:

lovelorn.

She stood away from me, tense, unpliant. Something was wrong. It did not feel right.

I attempted to put my hands on her arms. "Heart of my heart. Speak to me."

She threw my arms off and pushed me away from her. I felt sweat gathering around the edges of my ears. I felt uneasy, the way that I have never felt before around her. Keep calm, I told myself. Relax. Keep calm. Stay calm. Nothing is happening. Stay calm. Stay calm. "What's wrong?" I asked.

I looked at her, bathed in the dim glow of the street light. She was incandescent. I wondered what she was thinking, at this point. I thought about the adoration I bore for this luminescent creature before me, the burning desire to touch her, to hold her in my arms every time I see her. Here, now, it felt different. It was different. She fixed her gaze on me, and I felt like I was shrinking, cowering under her gaze, while she was growing bigger, ever more intimidating.

"Ernest. We should stop this." She was no longer looking at me.

All of a sudden, I felt cold. "What are you saying?"

She regarded me for a moment, her eyes bright, her lips taut at their corners. I found myself shivering involuntarily. I felt my heart palpitating faster, my breath coming out in shaky gasps. Fighting to keep my voice steady, I repeated, "What are you saying?" My words trembled, as if they were in their own earthquake.

"The two of us. It's not working out." She averted her gaze and shook her head once more. "It's just not happening." Her lips pressed together, she murmured, "It has to stop. Right now."

I felt as if something deep within me was falling, spiralling down into black nothingness. My throat was tight. I did not move, did not make a sound. A thousand demons were screaming in my ears. When she saw that I did not respond, she turned and walked away. I watched her leave, drifting further and further away from me. I watched as her shadow was swallowed by the bleak darkness of the night.

I stood in the spot, bathed in the dim glow of the street light, by myself.

Alone.


I closed my eyes and thought back.

I remembered everything we had together.

I remembered the warmth of her body I felt as she held me tight around my waist; her low voice in my ear; her gentle, tickling breath on my neck, all the homey pleasures that somehow made me feel complete.

I remembered the lingering, warm and pleasant kiss that we shared; and I wondered why. I wondered why she left me, dropped me like a rock.

I sat down. My bottom hurt, but I did not care, because I felt as if I was about to fall into pieces.

I needed her. I needed her arms around me, her caressing touch, her soft, tender piano fingers; I needed her silent support, I needed her to console me, like she always did when I was down. I want us to be together, when I was alone, to mumble sweet nothings into each others' necks.

Later, I would hold a heart, roughly cut out from paper, to a burning match. I would watch it glow, blacken and fade, curl into ashes. I would imagine my own heart do the same - blacken, fade and curl into ashes.

I would then fall into bed, and I would lie still, unmoving.

My eyes would burn with tears, because I still would not understand why.

I never would understand why she left me like this.

Alone, and lovelorn.

what does it feel like?


you are in heaven, it is nice and peaceful here. this is bliss. it is bright, the sky is a beautiful stretch of azure and it is pleasantly warm. Clouds drift lazily in the expanse of blue sky you are at the top, the golden age, the best years of your life. you are happy. the special people who remain close to your heart are happy. you hear the orchestra, the piano, the choir; and it is music. beautiful music. emanates from all around you. with so much passion and vibrancy. with love. with happiness. you feel light. you rise. you are afloat. you are aloft. you are flying, and the feeling is wonderful.

and suddenly

you are

falling

down


the ground yawns open lazily like the maw of an unfathomable beast that swallows you whole and



you watch, helpless, in mid-air as the clouds scatter; the sky rips open, and you see everything you have worked for, you have lived for, everything you loved, and they are crumbling, slowly but inexorably; they continue to crumble and suddenly they shatter. they break and they fall, in pieces, crashing all around your ears. your blood is thundering in your brain, you want everything to stop, pleasestopthisnomakeitgobackwhyisthishappening but nobody can hear you, everything is in pieces and falling, somebody is banging William Tell Overture on the keyboard but it transcends into something nightmarish, loud and ugly, and the choir's voices rise like the chorus of a million demented angels and the whole orchestra have gone insane, they are hitting their instruments, they are destroying them, everything is falling apart, there is a lot of noise, it is no longer beautiful - the sky, there is no longer a sky, but a vast, black space, an abyss, there is nothing there, it is empty, and dark, and it stretches forever. it is unbelievably fucking cold here, you are shivering, you want everything to stop, you call for help but there is no answer, nothing but the banging and thundering of the piano, the anguished voices of the deranged choir screaming and everything around you is falling, still falling, for ever falling; they are in pieces. everything you lived for, everything you loved.


falling


in pieces




and suddenly



the noise stops abruptly, and silence is upon you, deafening silence pressing on your ears, it is oppressive, no more noise, no more crashing, no more banging, no more screaming -

and suddenly you are screaming, you are in pain, you are in sheer agony, there is a thick sticky fluid filling your lungs and you can't breathe, you are choking, you are screaming in pain, but no sound comes out from your mouth. and pain erupts in your brain, it is intense and pounding. your heart throbs painfully - and suddenly you are alight, you are burning, you are aflame, and your chest rips open without warning, and your heart is no longer the myogenic muscular organ you know it is, but it is paper, it is burning, it fades into ashes. you are screaming, you feel everything dissolve and disappear, it is just you, you alone, you by yourself, you and nobody else, and there is nothing at all, and you can't go back, nothing changes, and you can't believe that everything is broken, everything is in pieces, everything is destroyed, and you can't do a single fucking thing to change it, because you are falling, still falling, falling for ever more. there is no love, no happiness, no hope, nothing -



the pain, the anguish, the emptiness. it suffocates you. your soul. forever.






you despair.

thanks kenneth for uploading on fb.

To His Coy Mistress

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, Lady, were no crime
We would sit down and think which way
To walk and pass our long love's day.
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find: I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood,
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow;
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, Lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song: then worms shall try
That long preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And now, like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour
Than languish in his slow-chapt power.
Let us roll all our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one ball,
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Through the iron gates of life:
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

-Andrew Marvell

my little fantasy.

Night has fallen.

We are in my room. It is messy. Books are stacked higgedly-piggedly on a table. Loose sheets of paper are strewn haphazardly on the floor.

She looks into my eyes, and I into hers. I fix my gaze in her eyes, and stretch. I reach for the lock on the door. I grasp it and turn. A resonating click interrupts the silence between us. I relax and take her hands. She continues to gaze into my eyes.

We are very close to each other now. She moves up the last half inch so that our lips could touch.

We kiss. Warm and pleasant. I hold her; one hand runs through her soft, sweet-smelling hair.

We fall onto the bed. I am holding her head, touching her, feeling her, kissing her. I feel myself burn with passion for her. Adrenaline surges through my veins and blood thunders in my brain. She feels so solid, so real. I want to hold her close, and never let go.

We begin to strip off each others' clothing. Very soon, we are under the covers and naked. I am above her now. I feel the muscles in my arms tense as I hold myself above her. I nose her breasts and lick her nipples. I bite her lip briefly, and brush my cheek against hers.

"Eat me up." I breathe onto the curve of her ear. I lower myself slowly towards her; I want to make this last.

A thought, rising and quivering like a bubble, finds its way into my mind - I shouldn't be doing this to her -

But I do not hesistate.

I slide firmly and steadily into her. I feel a rush of exhilaration; I push deeper. I am in rhythmic motion: push and pull, push and pull. I feel her smooth, firm skin heat up and flush with colour. She is gasping; I feel her breathing hard. I feel her heart race. My own heart banging madly against my ribcage, I pause and kiss her shoulder. "Does it hurt?" I whisper. I push myself up and place a finger on her clitoris. I move the finger, slowly and deliberately. She gives a soft cry; my finger gives way to wet and empty space.

She takes my hand away and pulls me towards her. "It's wonderful," she breathes back.

"Blow me away," I respond, and we are wrapped together in a tight embrace. We move with insane vigour, and I feel intense pleasure rising in me like lava. I move spontaneously, spurred on by some primal, animalistic drive, and it just feels so good. I could not stop; it just keeps getting better.

The pleasure is peaking, and I can hear her breathing faster and harder. My movement is now rapid, and it just keeps getting better and better and -

Fireworks pop before my eyes, and I feel drained; but immense pleasure floods me like it never did before. I shudder involuntarily and tighten my grasp on her. She wraps her arms tighter around me as liquid leaks out from me and into her. I fall limp onto her. We are both bathed in sweat and panting. I roll over so that she could lie on me.

I wrap my arms around her warm, sweat-streaked body. We lie under the covers, our bodies pressed together. I am exhausted, but I tilt my head upwards and brush my lips against her cheek. "Let's stay like this," I murmur, and drop back onto the bed.

She smiles, nods tacit agreement, and we stay like this for a long time.

i feel like shit right now.

care and share.

so i was wondering what to do with myself after the half day because of teachers' day celebrations.
i went down to the library in town, and ran into wee kiat and jin hong. after being a complete idiot by walking up and down the stairs looking for the nonexistent unoccupied table above ground level, ran into my good friend wesley. he was hunched over a couple of ss notes. we walked up and down the stairs and, when it dawned upon us that there was no table whatsoever that we could study on, we gave up and then i ran into my old friend tze chao. surprise, surprise. we still recognize each other. so i suggested going down to the children section. wesley questioned it. so i was like "ok i pretend to be the kid and you be my dad and you're gonna teach me calculus". we found wee kiat and jin hong and we settled down at the multimedia resource table, having conveniently taken two extra stools from nearby pillars. it was ok because i was doing polynomials, and the trig question that came after that was okay enough. wesley taught me how to use basic angle. thanks wesley. barely a question later we were chased away by a librarian from the table. i thought, nobody's using the computers what, so why can't we use the damn table? no matter, wesley and i moved to one of those tiny tables meant for kids. and we did maths there for about an hour. as time passed, more and more people came down to the children section to mug. LOL. so there was some inspector walking around, holding a clipboard and shooed us away. "the children's section is reserved for parents and children, no self-studying allowed" fuck, the section's about empty anyway, and there's barely any space upstairs to mug so share share la! cannot share ar?

what the hell lor. whatever, next time, du lan them.

i want to be a normal person,
living my normal life,
minding my own normal business.

not mugging my sweaty ass off because of some stupid exam.


actually, normal means having healthy, wonderful sleep, whistling-when-you-work, being a complete nuisance, having hearty meals, blasting music, singing/screaming at the top of your voice, downing drinks one after another, hanging out with friends, complaining loudly about the quirks of life and making a mountain out of a molehill and living like there's no tomorrow. And sex. Don't forget the sex.

not mugging your sweaty ass off because of some stupid exam.

this morning.

was a half-day. teacher's day celebrations.
we were allowed to come in anything we like.
well, except coming in nothing, i guess.
so i just grabbed some shorts, my bigass Quicksilver shirt, my jacket, some socks and my shoes.
i had a horrid cold shower but my dad offered to send me to school.
i said ok, and reached school at 7:28.

I LIKED LOK LAM'S SHIRT.

someone noticed my damn cool helicopter headphones.
which sucked compared to my old one.
the plug kept falling out of the jack.

everything seemed sleepy until,
we realized Zhen Yu managed to get his hands on some doll that resembled a woman with C-cup to D-cup boobs, an open mouth, quite a big ass and ... okay, a bit too much details? BUT. the best part about this doll was, when it was squeezed, the sound it made sounded like a sex moan. it caused much amusement in our class. after a while, people took to pressing the doll multiple times in rapid succession. doing this does not allow the doll to finish one moan. moan continuously and rapidly, like being banged hard and fast. (i know im not pure, but hey, that's a fact. sex is taboo here in Singapore. that's probably why we keeping harping about it. blame the upstairs people for not giving us good sex ed. well, i've read recently in the news that the government has been happy about the sex ed we're getting for years, but news flash: sex ed questionable? oh well. not like i care. it's not my problem anyway.) then, someone came up with the idea of giving it to our nice english teacher. nice IP Man. so, we went down to the plaza for morning assembly.

that's when there was a bit of solemn news.
well, i'm a bit reluctant to illustrate my thoughts through this bit of news.
so let's just say there are a few rigid old people out there who's so hipped about behaviour.
let me give it straight to your face - i consider that stupid, rigid and narrow-minded.

yes, people consider the word offensive.
apparently, some bastards out there feel that it's a crime that warrants butt-flaming.
well, the guy was an idiot to scream an expletive out loud in an attire which makes his link to a certain institution crystal-clear in the first place. even i think that was stupid. want to say vulgarities in public, wear some normal clothes so that it won't affect others! spoil my mood some more. i do feel sympathy for the guy, screaming vulgarities is something i do everyday. i can't help it, there's at least one thing that upsets me everyday. life ain't perfect. nothing is. otherwise it can't get better. well so nothing's perfect, much less any day of the week. of the month. of the year. of the century. of your life. and especially when the situation is VERY upsetting, a string of obscenities just comes pouring out of your mouth. oh yes! blame it on the media! western influence! that's what we chinese do anyway. any problems with the young people? blame it on the ang moh. one thing i can say is, problem is with sense of restraint. whatever, that's enough of finding fault with myself, let the flaming of other people begin.

these people that complain.
ah well, can't really blame them. complain complain complain. 'dis singaporeans. whole day only know how to complain. complain some more! some more! SOME MORE!

well, the guy who kena butt flame, HE started it.
BUT my problem is not with him.
MY PROBLEM IS WITH the KNNBCCB who confirm the guy is going to kena butt flame.
i find that guy sickening. i don't know him. perhaps if i did, i would be more forgiving. but because i don't know him, i find him sickening. despicable, detestable, SICK TO THE CORE. i don't want to put myself in that guy's stinking shoes,

because if i did,

I call myself a FUCKING HYPOCRITE to my face.

cause vulgarities are something i use everyday. i can't say much against using vulgarities without being a filthy hypocrite.

what went through my head was, must be some old bigmouthed gossipy aunty with nothing better to do. as i said before, i find this person stupid, rigid and narrow-minded. what the guy who kena butt flame did was stupid, and it was offensive, therefore inconsiderate. but hear this, he was no more inconsiderate than the old bigmouthed gossipy aunty.

ok, so this comment which i put up on facebook should nicely summarise what i want to say.

no, it's just sad. people go around using vulgarities because they're upset with the little quirks of life. i don't see anything wrong about that. it's just that some people with nothing better to do go and butt-flame people for doing so. even though the guy is pretty stupid to scream an expletive in school attire, i can't help feeling that the person who lodged a complaint in the first place is a filthy hypocrite who refuses to abandon their old ideas about being conservative and has nothing better to do. where the hell has freedom of speech gone? people don't understand the extent of how much you feel if you don't express it fully. and you have nothing much to vent your frustration on. a vulgarity doesn't damage, doesn't lower efficiency, it's not illegal, doesn't pollute, doesn't contribute to global warming, and it doesn't kill. why be so hipped on this kind of thing, i don't really get it. just be happy, it doesn't matter, vulgar or not. i think the guy should sincerely apologise though. he ruined not just his reputation, but ours as well. he's an idiot to not know that one screaming a single expletive in school attire will fire off at least ONE complaint; some people - all they can do is complain. come to think of it, it's lucky there's only one complaint. i don't like it cause it was like forced. if the guy regrets it and he's killing the bastard who got him into this shit with a chainsaw in his head over and over, i don't think i would mind so much.

i'm leaving the part about the library to the next post.

prelim 3 starts tomorrow.

actually, now that i really think about it, i think i'll actually like going around doing community service if it wasn't for cip hours and just for cip hours.

same old books,
same old exam,
same old shit.

if this goes on, i hate my life.

when i say i want you, i mean i want your mind, your body and your soul.