i think this post is gonna be long.

i'm getting big.
My shirt's getting pretty tight round my chest.
and it used to hang off me like a limp piece of cloth.

--

this post is going to be...irrational, i suppose.

Just can't get my mind off you;


Perhaps it's due to my studying of trigonometric identities...

that i've lost my own sense of identity.
i can't tell who i am now.
i used to be able to tell myself who i am, with conviction.
but i'm not so sure if i can now.

i used to daydream about girls all the way through double chinese periods (i still got my A1 in the end). but recently i've been unable to take my mind off this one person...

and yes, he's a guy.

i caught myself thinking about him after five minutes.

i sat myself down at the piano outside the band room yesterday. (the various sections were having a photoshoot inside. my section looked okay, all cute guys what. just my photo sucked.)

fingers descended on keys. after five minutes of this, i caught myself thinking about him. my heart went on like a metronome, calm, rhythmic, placid thumps at the speed of andante. which, oddly, gave me a sense of peace. and when i realised i was thinking about him, i stopped. abruptly, yes, but my fingers stayed loose and gentle upon the keys, black and white, afraid to play the next note.

hugs are irresistible, but when i hug YOU i get the feeling that i don't want to let go.

i decided to discuss this with two of my friends. both had a different way of putting it, but they meant the same thing: please don't go there. but i couldn't stop it then. i can't stop it now. it's taking over; i'm bending.

and when it comes to nap-time, i lie in bed just burning up;
well i don't know now. am i gay? maybe.
i just don't wanna think about it so much.